I used to attend a grief support group. A writing exercise I found meaningful was to write a letter to our lost loved one and then write one back from them. While I am grateful for my life, I still grieve that life did not turn out however I thought it was going to. May we grieve what needs grieving and so new worlds can emerge.

Letters to and from Mom

Dear Mom,

Hi. It’s been quite a life. Things feel weird more and more, and I seem to be in between worlds/dreams. I wished for an unconditional mom and I’m trying to be that for myself instead. I wish I could confide anything and everything in you. Feel safe and loved and held in a way where I wasn’t expected to give anything back. Learning to cook more, as was your delicious cooking. And be artistic. Something I dabble into and not with total confidence. I have a photo exhibit up related to my spiritual practice. Whoa. Is that cool or what. I hope you can see it and how precious cultivating is to me. And yet I’m afraid I’ve approached cultivating slightly incorrectly. And I’m course-correcting. I am so tender and confused. I cry a lot and wish I would find more things to enjoy. Life is precious. I don’t want to spend it sad. I’ve poured so much into cultivating… but it seems I was trying to escape something. Escape pain and impermanence and uncertainty. I’ve found myself at [work] long enough that it’s starting to feel toxic. And those many layers of healing. I wish I had guidance. Your guidance. I wish I knew you more. I know there is no ideal family. Is there even conventional? And relationships, the romantic kind. Why did you have so many lovers? Did you ever find what you were looking for in them? I don’t think I have but hope for a sacred friend. And mentioning of friends, how can one have so many friends and still feel alone/lonely? How did you learn to be alone? And love yourself? Why did you give me that advice to love myself before I can have a boyfriend? I wish I remembered more of you. Sorry if that comment about your voice was hurtful or critical. Apparently, you have a beautiful voice. I wish I remembered you more. I tried to conjure you in a dream recently. I wish I remembered you more, but it was a delight to see all those photos of us. I don’t know what I was seeing before. I wish I had more of an imagination. I don’t know where it went. And somehow, I’m afraid to talk to [brother] or [sister] or Dad about you. Do I just let you go? I suppose I tried that and so far, it hasn’t panned out super well. I’m learning to be a woman now. With some vague guidance but it feels like I had to do it on my own. I honestly don’t feel… much? Or not anger. More sadness. I really assumed… well. Maybe you left because you knew we’d be okay and that we’d have to figure it out. That the gift of you leaving was far greater than you staying and enabling us. It hasn’t been easy though. In this life and human body, I’m connected to you. Ever present and yet distant. I don’t know how to make meaning of it. I still ask for your guidance, love, and protection. Even if it’s afar and invisible. I hope one day I’ll understand this and it won’t hurt so much or be so confusing. There are so many layers and sometimes I don’t even want to hear others’ two cents because what do they know. I don’t want to live in fear but love. There was some reason I chose you as my mom and me unexpectedly as your daughter. I’m ready to embrace those gifts. Creativity and spirituality. Cooking and nurturing. Competent and bold. Fearless and loving. I hope you hear me and can give me a sign. In the world, in my dream. Ever present. I love you.

Dear Amanda, my princess

Hello from afar and near. I hear your fears and know that others have them, too. Not that that helps. But my gift to you is that you will have the depth to navigate it. In this lifetime, you always have me because you came from me. The lessons you learn are also in honor of me. But please live your life. Live your life for yourself, not for me. Be happy because you are happy. Be sad because you are sad. Not for me or because of me. My early departure had its purpose. Karmic and conditional and a choice. Find the signs in the universe. You’ll get a hang of your dreams. Draw near to family when you can and remember to keep putting yourself first. You have to do that if you’re going to keep interacting with others. Do not feel ashamed for pulling back from the world, as we all need to do that from time to time. You don’t have to feel like you’re incomplete as a woman or mother. I think it’s clearly showing how beautifully you can navigate that in your own unconventional way. Things may be scary but you don’t have to be scared. Recite Guan Yin. Use the tools you have. Do not be afraid of the world and especially not people. You are so so so loved, beyond measure. AND you have to love yourself. You cannot rely on the external validation. We all make mistakes and you can course-correct. Trust that your path is on the right course, even if you can’t see the direction all the time. It’s normal to get scared but you can do this. There is so much love and light and support for you. [??] and beyond it all, I am always here. Love is greater than fear. Keep opening yourself. You’ll get there. I love you, too. I’m so proud to see you from an aerial view and how much you’ve progressed. You don’t even know and that’s okay. –Mom